Ladies and gentlemen, Harrison Barnes, Ryan Anderson and Bismack Biyombo.
Or something like that.
For the fifth summer in a row, the Mavericks have seen their free-agent game plan blown up.
Hassan Whiteside? Gone.
Mike Conley? Gone.
Nic Batum? Gone.
Dwight Howard? Gone, not that that's a disaster.
Even Evan Fournier, Evan Turner and Solomon Hill, all possibilities to replace Chandler Parsons at small forward, are off the board.
NBA free agency went fast and furious on Day 1. It started with the Mavericks getting face time with Whiteside. Hours later, he announced he was staying with Miami.
That came shortly after Batum said he was sticking with Charlotte, even before a planned meeting with the Mavericks.
And so, the Mavericks were left to sift through the crumbs that were left on the table.
The crushing blows came early Friday. Whiteside and Conley -- the Mavericks' top two targets -- stayed put.
"Both guys went for more money," owner Mark Cuban said. "Can't fault them for that."
If Mavericks fans need a glimmer of hope, it is this: A source said that Dirk Nowitzki remains as committed as ever to the team in spite of the free-agent shortfalls thus far.
That's huge, considering that the more talent that turns and walks away from the Mavericks, the more it seems like this team is headed for another scramble just to make the playoffs. Or miss them altogether.
Nowitzki has been in Europe and is planning to spend a good portion of the rest of the summer there. It's probably a good sign that he's scarce these days. He's reiterated until he's blue in the face about how he plans to re-sign with the Mavericks, and that he could only envision one scenario where that doesn't happen -- if Cuban elects to strip the roster down and start from scratch with young talent.
Cuban has said he has no interest in that, possibly because the Mavericks are short on young talent.
So Nowitzki and the Mavericks find themselves in the middle of no-man's land.
Good enough to compete for a playoff spot, not good enough to be taken seriously in the postseason, not bad enough to collect a high draft pick.
This free agency hasn't helped. Social media reaction has indicated that fans would not hold it against Nowitzki if he went somewhere else to give himself a chance to be on a true contender.
Well, they might if it was San Antonio. But Golden State? Or Toronto? Or Cleveland? Nobody would begrudge him that option.
But the news Friday seemed to reinforce that he wants to be a Maverick for life.
Meanwhile, the painful free-agent failures of Friday were plentiful. First, Batum declared that he would return to Charlotte for five years and roughly $120 million. Then Whiteside returned to Miami for four years and $98 million, which was slightly more than the Mavericks could offer. Batum's deal included a fifth year that the Mavericks could not offer, hence Cuban's comment.
After that, it was Conley, Fournier, Howard, Turner and Jeremy Lin.
And then there was Parsons, who reportedly had a strong meeting with Portland minutes after free agency opened but was swayed when Memphis met with him Friday afternoon.
The result was a four-year, $94 million deal with the Grizzlies. He and Conley will team together in Memphis.
Afterward, it was a procession of other players who went with other teams, and the Mavericks continued along with only six players under contract -- Wesley Matthews, Devin Harris, J.J. Barea, Justin Anderson, JaVale McGee and Salah Mejri. Second-round draftee A.J. Hammons is expected to sign before the Las Vegas summer league.
But the bottom line for free agency is that the Mavericks have bombed so far. And a comment by Cuban about free agency a couple of weeks ago rings true.
"Every player thinks it's going to be a money train," he said. "There's a lot of money, but there's not that much money. I think there are going to be teams that save their cap room for next year because it's going to be a better free-agent class."
And so, the Mavericks look like they will be fitting into that last grouping.
Lastly, the Parsons two-year era in Dallas ended with a whimper. The Mavericks made the decision not to pour maximum money into a player who has had two knee surgeries since joining the franchise in the summer of 2014 on a three-year, $46 million contract. Parsons opted out of the third year.
Parsons, assuming he passes a physical, can officially sign the contract Thursday.
Twitter: @ESefko
Begging for crumbs
Here's the four best free agents still on the board that make sense for the Mavericks.